Have you ever been in a situation where you didn’t feel good enough, that you always felt that you needed the approval of other people to validate yourself?
At one point in our lives or another, we all felt the need to seek validation from another. Whether it was from parents, friends, siblings, or even our partner, we needed their validation to feel worthy, to feel that we are good enough. And the truth we don’t, because we already are worthy.
So why don’t we believe it? Why cant we just bluntly admit to ourselves that we are good enough? What thoughts, ideas and beliefs have we adopted that tells us we are anything but?
We’ve all heard this a million times, its the tv and media that have an influence over us, and their right it does, but so do the thousands of other influences all around us; our environment, our beliefs, our fears, or peers we are all influenced by everyone and everything.
We may not realize it, but we are taking in thousand upon thousands of message units a day. These message unit are what unconsciously influences us sending us subliminal messages that partake in forming our ideas, our beliefs, and behaviors. It is from these influences that form our beliefs that make us become the person we are today.
When we are viewing social platforms such as instagram, facebook, or snapchat, we often view profiles of those we believe are doing better than us, and for some reason we feel the need to judge ourselves based upon the success of others.
Why, why do we do that?
The truth is we don’t know their whole story, and they don’t know yours. You don’t know their life style, other than what they want you to see. You don’t know their upbringing, their insecurities, their financial stature, we compare ourselves to an illusion, of something that isn’t real.
Although it seems to be real, its actually not. Our perspective of people are based on the ideas that we have formed in our head about a person.
The person on the other side of the screen may have had it easier than you, they may have had a family that has been supportive, financial well-off or even stable. That person may have adopted the beliefs from their upbringing that has encouraged them to be who they want to be.
And then you look at yourself, and examine your situation, which may not have been all rainbows and butterflies, but you keep comparing yourself to an illusion of someone you want to be.
Take me for example, growing up in a dysfunctional lower-middle class family with one drug induced parent that suffered from depression, ADD and bipolar disorder, where I was mentally, verbally and sometimes physically abused, is not going to have the same belief system as someone that grew up with support and encouragement all their lives.
As a child we seek validation because we are still developing and forming our own identification, and the only truth that we know is the truth we are taught by our parents.
But what if your parents were like mine, and not the parents that encourage and improve your self esteem?
What if they belittled, neglected or even abandoned you.
In this case you would most likely need to seek more validation from others, because you don’t understand your own worth, You don’t know what its like to feel worthy, or loved, so you go around seeking attention or mimic the patterns of others who are receiving the love, attention and success you want.
Do you ever wonder why the people that are more attention seeking are the ones that are known as the “players” in regards to relationships?
Did you ever really understand why they behaved in this manner? Probably not.
Because they radiate with such confidence, that in draws people in. Its the way they’ve developed themselves to seek validation from others.
Because sometimes a cool exterior doesn’t always mean a cool interior, and although they may appear confident that isn’t always the case. They seek validation from a multitude of people only to boost up their own self-worth.
So even if you may get involved with someone of this nature and they leave you high and dry. not only examine them but also examine your own self-worth.
Now go a little deeper into their lifestyle, what did their parents do? how did they act? Did they build them up? or did they neglect them? where the parents to self-absorbed or did they acknowledge their children, did you even meet them? As much as you think their behavior has something to do with you and your unworthiness, it actually doesn’t, their problems are their problems.
But that allows me to reveal something deeper, what is it that’s in you that attracts people of this stature, people that feel unworthy and seek validation? Was their a time, when you were still developing yourself, and compared yourself to others that made you feel unworthy or unattractive or even incompetent? There probably was, because everyone has experienced that type of situation were they were not completely at their best. And at the moment when you lower yourself worth, you will attract people or partners that also make you feel unworthy.
I know, I’ve been in this situation many a times. Because of my lifestyle I mentioned earlier I grew up feeling, unworthy, unwanted, rejected. I rebelled, because I didn’t want to associate with my mother, I didn’t believe she was a solid source or foundation for my identity. She wasn’t someone I admired or respected, here was a person that was suppose to love you unconditionally but they didn’t even love themselves, so they didn’t know how to reciprocate it to her children. I pitted her and then soon felt sorry.
But because of her I didn’t understand the true essence of what love was, in fairy tales its happiness, love, laughter, growth, support and encourage, I had none of that. Because of her, I was conditioned to love as not being accepted, feeling rejected, unworthy, not good enough, depressed, stress, worry, anxious. As a child, I didn’t know the difference, I just knew what I knew, and that was the absolute truth. Love was to feel unworthy and anxious, always being kept on your toes with uncertainty. The only way to win at love was to be the person that made others feel unworthy.
And that’s what I did in many relationships, I grew an egotistical mentally that I was in charge, that I was the prize, I became a “player”. I went through relationship one week after another, once I got their validation I would drop them and leave. I didn’t care to get to know them, cause I got what I wanted, I needed them for one thing, making myself feel worthy.
I didn’t like or understand the idea that I needed validation from one person, to me validation from one could end up in rejection, abandoned or feeling unworthy, so I continued to keep the momentum, and would move from one to the next.
It was win I got my heart broken, I shifted one the losing side. I treated a man so poorly, that when he stood up to me, I felt all those same issues I felt with my mother. And I swore not treat anybody or let them feel the pain I endured.
After that it was a endless whirlwind of unworthiness, each relationship I went it after, I felt unworthy, I felt I wasn’t good enough, my insecurities would come out, and I would over think the shit out of them.
I closed up, and became a commitment phobe, if I tried to take any action I would over think everything in fear of getting hurt and rejected, that left me stagnant. I got into relationship, that I would sabotage or find partners that had the capability of making meteel more unworthy. And from them, are the people I would seek my most validation.
It was when I made the decision for myself that “I am worthy” that things started to change. Its also identifying patterns, and recognizing that most experiences that we faced had nothing to do with us, but rather it was other peoples insecurities, that they deflected or reflected onto us.
That people externally from self do not give us validation, they are there as an example, they are there for our external experience, and from them we learn and we grow.
Looking back on my mother, and my ex-ternal partners, they were there for me to experience my worth or what I thought it to be at that time. They were there externally from me, meaning whatever their felt or experienced themselves had nothing to do with me, but how they felt about themselves, also internally testing their own worth.
When I started to recognize and become neutral to these experiences, they no longer affected me, I no longer needed their validation. I no longer wanted anything from them, because I had everything I needed inside of me..
I was no longer looking externally for validation, I grew the mentally that “if they can’t validate themselves, what makes them think they can validate me?” It in a sense made them adopt a little arrogance, but to my conditioned beliefs, that’s how I win. I make myself feel worthy, but this time, I didn’t need to make someone else feel unworthy to feel this way.
Looking in the mirror repeating the same affirmation that “I am worthy” allowed me to feel my self worth, slow at first then over time, it became a belief that I live for this very day.
It is a choice that we make within ourselves that will shift us from one reality to the next. But one choice, action, or thought we have the ability to change our lives. We must first recognize what it is that we don’t want to understand what we do.
I no longer wanted someone to tell me my worth, I wanted to define it myself. By making this choice, the opinions of others cease to exist, my happiness, love, and worth grew. And yours can do the same, but the first thing you must do is make the choice to do so.
No one can validate you, but YOU.